Posts tagged family

The argument has come and gone since Dan chose his groomsmen a few months ago, but as the bride and the oldest in my family, I just can’t help the prickle of annoyance and guilt that appeared after he chose an an old roommate whom has hasn’t spoken to or seen in ages over my brother, whom I adore. The two were roommates in college for 2 years, sure, but my brother has been my brother for 21 years and he will be his brother-in-law for the unforeseeable future. The groomsman doesn’t call, barely emails, never sounds remotely interested in the position he’s been given. Even though he lives in town, he’ll probably show up at the wedding and never come back into our lives again. And that doesn’t sound like the sort of friend who should be a groomsman. We worked really hard to keep the invitations to close friends and family, and it just seems ironic that one of the groomsmen doesn’t feel like either of those. After all, I’d rather have someone up there who actually cares about us than some long-absent roommate, and I know my brother would care.

Ugh. It breaks my heart.

So am I just being a bridezilla or is this a sort of big mistake on Dan’s part?

Dan and I reached a very important point in our relationship tonight. I was freaking out, and he tried to explain to me what his role was in his family when people freaked out, and I think we both realized right then that the role didn’t apply anymore.  I wasn’t his mom or his sister, so the way he reacted to them is ineffective and he will have to create a new reaction, and I’ll have to do the same. But through this, I came to this very simple observation: we are the new family.

It’s a very freaky realization, this whole “new family” thing. Mom and Dad are sacred names, you know, and families are roots that have been around forever. You don’t think about creating a new family yourself; the family tree still exists, but branches of another tree have intertwined with your own and you are now on a completely unique limb. But the fact is, while we have no children, I will be mom and he is dad, and the roles that we played in our first families are no longer relevant. We are not children, we are not mock-fathers or the oldest child or the youngest child; we must create new roles for ourselves, essentially recreate ourselves in a way that makes OUR family work. We must be of a mindset that we realize that our past reactions to situations with our family are merely lumps of clay to build new, functional reactions with. Living shows that life theories and lessons you are taught growing up are important, and you should always bring the best of them with you, but when you break out into the real world of your own family, life won’t go by the rules you’re used to. The old you will have to be transformed—-not discarded, but reinvented—-so you can create and willingly accept new rules by which you both can play. 

Whoo. Growing a new family is tricky stuff, guys. It’s not even something I would have considered 5 months ago. Oh, the joys of 3 hours in a laundromat and pain medication.

Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24