Wedding shops, in case you weren’t aware, have really wonderful, smiling women who work there. They treat you like fashion model queens and grin like cats with wingless white canaries. I’m pretty sure that if they didn’t, the dressing rooms would be full of large, suicidal, half dressed women.

Barnum and Bailey Bride
I wear a 14 in just about everything, from Dillards dresses to Old Navy pants, and I’m no pixie. But at wedding shops, they shove you in what I imagine is probably a 10 and tell you it’s a 14. They will then tell you you’re waaaaay too fat to fit into a 14 (10), you’re almost able to fit into a 16 (12), and then charge you $200 to put you in “Women’s size” 16 (14). But then when you go into “Women’s sizes”, sure, you have your pick of quite a few dresses, as long as you don’t mind that A) they’re twice as much B) they all look fairly similar and C) they aren’t nearly as pretty as the smaller dresses. So basically, fat girls get screwed. I’m not even that massive and I’m still being treated like I’m forcing children in Asia to sew a circus tent out of gold. And after you try on 20 dresses that could have easily belonged to Twiggy, you start to feel like you might actually be the size of a Barnum elephant and that perhaps lemon juice and cayenne pepper for 5 months isn’t the worst idea you’ve ever had. Needless to say, by the end of it, those smiling cat ladies had a fun time trying to pry the tiara out of my hand that I was slowly digging into into my jugular.

What made it worse was that halfway through, I think I found THE ONE. They still made me try on dresses that looked dreadful, but I had THE ONE and it had latched itself into my elephantine heart.

The One
It’s Oleg Cassini, who’s designed dresses for Jackie O and Marilyn Monroe (so it’s in the right era!) and it’s just gorgeous. I found it randomly right when I was about to give up at David’s Bridal (which, out of the 3 shops I went to, was actually the most comfortable experience. My smiling cat was a sweetheart.) 
But I can’t afford it, so it’s going to require some quick thinking. Do I chance getting it online or do I go into debt for a dress I wear once? I know what I WANT to do. I want to find a dress at a DAV that magically fits and is vintage and $20. But that’s not going to happen for a 14. I don’t want any other dress, and I’m sick of trying them on, so now it all depends on the waistline and the bottom line, and I’m left with one option: diet or die.


Diet or Die
To be honest, I want to diet. I want to look pretty darn amazing in that dress, because nothing would make me sadder than looking like a taffeta tank. But how? How can a girl who loves her pasta and can’t cook worth a darn eat healthier? I can up the walking regiment and stop drinking all sugary beverages (not that I drink many anyway), but with my picky tastes and big appetite, unless I go into a serious depression or magically move to England where I hate all food, getting smaller is on par with getting taller. My budget allows for 3 things: buying frozen dinners, buying gas and paying $100 a month for Dan’s ring. Nothing else. I haven’t gone clothes shopping since I moved out of my parents’ house in July. I’m wearing the same shoes I did 3 years ago. I’m driving a beat up Oldsmobile and my parents pay for my insurance, phone bill and internet. Paying for diet programs *and* wedding stuff wasn’t exactly in my budget. Grandma offered to go to Weightwatchers with me, but $12 a week adds up. So I guess all I can do is pray, walk, research and hope I do the right thing, and that somehow or another, I’ll get into that dress. Go team! Or…just me. Go me. Sigh.