Most relationships tend to feel like carnival rides, with the ups and downs and whirling about. But as I get to know him, it has been feeling more like one those scrambler-type contraptions where the arms swing out wildly, thrusting the revolving cars in one direction and tossing it wildly back again in the other. When you ride with a friend, you eventually get squashed up against the wall, and while it’s a bit awkward and feels like you might have broken a rib, it’s still lots of fun and you both want to do it again. But in this case, he’s usually riding by himself and I’m the one left standing at the gate, watching as his car swings by and we’re close enough to touch…and then he’s gone again.

It’s like he doesn’t know how to not distance himself times. He forms his everyday conversation with articles and facts because growing up, no one asked him what he thought or how he felt or what he wanted, so it doesn’t even occur to him to talk like that to others. He’ll talk about silly things he’s done and elements of games and shows and books he likes, but never about his life. Never about serious things or sad things or dreams he has for us as a couple…just generic banter about things that interest him. But he doesn’t realize how much he interests me. I want to know about his thoughts and his heart. If I wanted to know what Joe Schmo wrote about such and such, I’d look for it and read it myself. I understand that guys usually aren’t big sharers, but it helps me know he’s aware of things when he goes beyond what he’s read online today. It is a sign he’s thinking of himself and about and us and our future. When you pay attention to the world around you, talking about it should come naturally, and since I know he hasn’t been walking around with his eyes closed for 27 years, I want to hear proof, not secondhand stories!

Which is why dinner surprised me last night. With an odd, uncharacteristic creak, I saw his old shell of facts and articles slipping off his back. He asked me what I thought on a facebook post that was causing controversy, which started up a true conversation, where I talked and he responded, and he talked and I responded.  We discussed religion and our childhood and our views of the world growing up, and after months of talking to an Internet search engine who loved me, I was finally talking to a real live person. He’s done it before, but it’s so rare that it always takes me by surprise and leaves me wanting more.

But it takes a long time for him to trust someone enough to talk like that. He’s like an Ent in more ways than I care to count; slow to talk, slow to decide, slow move, even slow to eat. You’d never think he has ADHD, really. But that’s my husband. He loves me, but he’s been hurt by people he’s loved in the past so I suppose it makes sense that he’s slow opening up. I’ll just have to have patience, ho hurrr, and show him love as much as I can when he gets close—-as he did last night—-so that one day the ride might be able to slow down and I can get on, and we can lovingly crush one another’s ribs as we’re flung through life together.